Gratitude is Intentional

I am so excited I now have one follower on my blog! I love to see your comments and that somehow my story touches you. Hopefully it inspires you to develop your own story. That is the only way we can learn, I think, is by sharing our stories!

Today I set out for a short 50 minute run. The air was cool and the sun was bright. I decided to head to Moss Wright Park as I'm getting a little tired of my other courses. I couldn't wake Andrew to go with me, he stayed up too late last night.

Half way into my run, I realized that I have been doing a lot of talking to God, making requests, listing my demands, and what I needed with very little thought to all the blessings I have already been given: the sun shining brightly, the beautiful park, time to run this morning, my special moms who came to my house last night to fellowship, etc. I began to realize that He already knows what I need and I am already receiving all I need. I switched gears and began to run with gratitude. I began to list all the things I was grateful for on this beautiful morning. With each thing I said a memorized prayer. I had to really concentrate on what I was doing because my mind kept going to my list of requests again, patience, strength, success, etc. It is so easy to slip into self centered prayer. Staying in gratitude takes discipline and concentration. It is a form of meditation that takes lots of practice. Running the distances I do gives me ample time to practice. Really, you would think after logging in the miles which number in the thousands right now, I would be better at gratitude, it would come easier and be more natural. But it is still something I have to do with intention. I think God is happy with the fact that I continue to try.

"I am focusing my eye on the prize which lies before me" Put one foot, or if you're in a wheelchair, roll one wheel in front of the other, with each move forward focusing on gratitude letting each intention bring you into God's presence.

Happy meditation!

I'm back... after taking 13 days off I am back on my marathon training schedule. With 21 days left to the San Antonio marathon, this is the last long run, 20 miles! Why would anyone want to take on the challenge of running a 26.2 mile marathon? For me it's a way to be a little less crazy. Life is difficult, emotional and frustrating. Running gives me perspective, I put myself through a vigorous schedule toward a goal. Three reasons keep me running, through difficulties, aches, and busy schedules.

1. It is my spiritual connection: there is something about running that connects me to God. We talk, OK mostly I talk, but through the exertion of my body I get answers - how to improve my relationships, sorting through a conflict and determining my part - solutions to career related problems - and overcoming writers block, to name just a few. I get to go places on the road a car can't get into and I love paying attention to the noises, the color, the scenery God has put in my path which in day to day life I tend to ignore.

2. Running is my way to release emotions that could easily overcome me: anger, fear, depression, and sadness. There is something about physical exertion and doing something in which you can focus your physical self on that allows the thinking and emotions to get right sized and I can go about the things that happen in my day.

3. Running is a family event for me. I have three boys and finding something physical to do with them is sometimes difficult. My oldest son and I have run two half marathons and several 5K races together. When your children enter into adulthood and go away to college, it is sometimes difficult to make connections. Running keeps us connected. My middle son doesn't like running as much right now but he has completed several 5K races with me, and if he is not in the race with me he is cheering and taking pictures. I also know he has respect for my physical ability since running is harder for him right now. I now also run with my youngest son , pushing him in his stroller. It is my way of teaching him that just because he has a disability doesn't mean he has to be limited. Even my husband is involved: driving us to the races, paying the entry fees, taking video and pictures and having water at the finish line!

These things keep me running: God, stability and family. What more can a person ask from life! And... there's nothing like crossing a finish line, and one final reward... the medal!

18 Miles of Difficulty

It has been two days since my 18 mile long run in preparation for the November San Antonio marathon. It's taken me two days to get over the painful experience of body, mind and spirit.

As with any long run, and even the shorter runs, I usually participate in a back and forth dialogue in my mind. I planned to begin at 6:00 am and end a little after 9:00am. I don't know if anyone else engages in self talk but I do it all the time. I'm told it is healthy. As usual when I'm facing such a long stretch of running, I have to do a lot of self talk. "Yes you need to do this." "No you can't wait or postpone because your schedule is too busy this week." You'll feel better when it's done." "You've done this before and you can do it again!" Usually my self talk begins in anticipation of the run, days before. My mind plays a kind of ping pong ball game, back and forth from talking myself into : "Yes, let's go, you can do it!" to talking myself out of: "Oh --- there's no way!" Occasionally I will engage and follow the negative, and I always regret it. Eventually, however, the "JUST DO IT" thought will prevail and overcome any obstacles my mind perceives

The weather was cool and the sky had a pink glow in the horizon. I savored it's sight as I knew it would quickly be gone as I changed directions and the day emerged. I committed to run the neighborhood for the first three or four miles. This proved to be a good thing. From the beginning my stomach started it's protests. I stopped three times at the house. The ping pong game started back in my head. I continue to wonder if taking on this distance, on this day was worth the discomfort of a protesting stomach. I returned to the thought: "You have no other time in your busy schedule this week to run!" and recognized a new thought: "Whose to say another day will be any different!"

The weather continued to be a blessing, I have learned to take any positive thought I can get. It was sunny, clear and with a coolness I look forward to on a fall day. I continued to put miles behind me as I took one step at a time. I wish I could say the run got easier, but it didn't. It was a constant effort to remain in the present. I continued to follow my prayer mantra. I practiced being mindful of the breath. I even tried the body awareness technique discussed in Roger Joslin's book. I began at my feet, recognizing their movement and feel. I got as far as my quadriceps when I lost interest, the effort to think about my body one part at a time proved to be too difficult. I abandoned the task.

I remembered that sometimes running is painful, uncomfortable, and the thoughts of giving up can consume each step. This is similar to the most recent events of my life off the road. I am working to create a vocation, a new career that will honor all of my experiences and bring awareness to others. I have recently had thoughts of giving up the pursuit, wondering if what I was doing was worth it. I have recently had thoughts of giving up the pursuit, wondering if what i was doing was worth it, similar to the thought while embarking on this run. I have had to talk myself out of the negative and fear filled spaces that my mind wants to occupy. Perseverance, and continuing on despite discomfort became the lesson of the run.

I never got to enjoy this running experience, it was too uncomfortable. I never settled into a peaceful rhythm. I continued the practice of mindful breathing, which got me through and I focused on staying in the present, choosing to look at the road directly in front of me and the strike of my foot on the pavement. I knew based on past experience eventually the run would end and I would be able to rest.

What started out to be a three hour run actually took almost four hours. As in life when I am having doubts, I had to rest more, take more breaks, refocus my mind and prepare my body. Each time I stopped I refocused my thoughts and mustered up additional strength to continue on the path. Eventually the run did end, I took pride in the fact I allowed my healthy mind, the one that tells me to continue on despite fear, discomfort and even pain to dominate and propel me toward the end. I ended my run with a steep uphill climb, a symbol of one final trial, exactly what I needed to bring this experience to completion. I ended much as I began in discomfort and duress. BUT, it was exactly what I needed and when I was done I had one more successful experience of persevering toward the end despite the discomfort, pain and fear.

NEW Lessons from Blind Running

Yesterday I took off on a 50 minute run around the neighborhood. It began as one of those runs you just know from the beginning is going to be difficult. It was a little too warm, the sun was strong, and it was windy, which made my lips feel dry and my mouth feel thirsty. This was part of my scheduled training and I knew I wouldn't be able to make this run up at any other time in the week so off I went.

I was coming to the last 15 minutes, almost home, with one last steady, uphill climb. The feeling of fatigue, dryness and warmth had increased and I was really ready to have this run behind me. To make matters worse I was having difficulty focusing my mind on staying spiritually connected. I decided to rely on my blind running meditation to hopefully get me to the end. I do this with the intention to focusing on the other senses, which are often neglected because of my dependence on visual stimulus.

I have been working on perfecting a method of running with my eyes closed by saying a ritual prayer. I will say 24 words of the prayer with my eyes closed then open my eyes and say the remaining 17 words. I have worked up to the 24 words. I have realized through this practice I can focus on the angle of the sun, the feel of the road as my foot strikes, and the sounds around me. I was reflecting on faith and thought the lesson was to close my eyes while God said, "Trust Me" implying he would not allow me to fall off the path while my eyes were closed. Unlike other times when I have done blind running, it was a real effort, which I perceived as a lack of faith. So I kept up the blind running practice willing my senses to take over, the fear of falling to disappear, all while wrestling with fatigue, thirst, and heat! There was a nudging that I thought was telling me blind running was not working! I viewed this as lack of faith and prayed more diligently for God to increase my faith. My eyes were closed, I was willing my mind to concentrate, I felt the sun on the right side of my face, I had gotten 18 words into my prayer when OOPS! Off the road I fell into the gravel on my hands and knees, the symbol of prayer (interesting that I would land this way). It was so fast, and in that moment I realized I was being ridiculous. I started to laugh. You can't will faith by testing it, thinking what you are doing is Gods will. I realized I was not paying attention at all to what my intuition, my God voice was telling me. He wasn't trying to test my faith by asking me to continue to keep my eyes closed for the 24 words, God doesn't work that way. I had become so distracted by getting to the end of those 24 words that I really wasn't listening to God at all, but instead to my own stubborn ego. What God was really saying, (yelling actually) was: "OPEN YOUR EYES!" It was that simple, that easy, nothing complicated, or thought provoking, but simply open your eyes.

In that moment I realized it was not just about the praying (which I did with my eyes closed), it was about realizing in the prayer what God was telling me to do, the action that follows the prayer, and then taking that action. "OPEN YOUR EYES, take the next action, and I will be with you." This is what faith is about

Running in Community

There are times when running is a solo event, one person, one race, one set of shoes, one breath pattern. I love running alone, just me, my shoes and an open road. There is another type of running that is worthy of exploration, a type of run that will sharpen your focus, test your fitness, and expand your joy. Recently I have discovered the joys of running with a partner. In June of this year I began running with my nine year old son Brendon who has Muscular Dystrophy. He saw me complete many races and wanted to race too! So I began including him. Because he uses a wheelchair I had to get special equipment. Together, with me pushing, we ran up hills (many, many hills), through neighborhoods, at the beach, and away from dogs. The Christie Cookie 5K at the Green Hills YMCA on September 20, 2008 marked the finish of our third race (2 5K's and 1 half marathon). Each race has taken on it's own theme. This race was about community.

I often have difficulty with the 5K race. The crowds, short distance, and unfamiliar trails tend to get in the way of my ever developing a rhythm. I usually don't feel comfortable or have a good pace going until after the first two miles. I get distracted trying to keep up with the other runners. This race was no different. In addition I had to make sure I kept out of the way of other runners with the stroller, found enough open space, and didn't clip any heals. Every step seemed to be an effort. I keep entering these races because:
1. There are plenty of them.
2. I get race practice for my upcoming marathon in November.
3. I get to be with other runners.
But the fourth reason is what motivated me to enter this race:
4. Another opportunity to share moments of joy with my son, to make racing possible for him!

When you run for someone else, it is more than an individual achievement and other racers recognize this. This race was a community event. We were cautious in our passing, and gave plenty of warning when we were coming upon someone. We had to yell out warning and the runners were receptive to us speeding by. We are careful to not intrude on another persons race by running into their heals or bumping up against their sides. In this race there was a long up hill somewhere into mile two. A lady with a grey shirt and red hat named Maria approached us, "I have experience stroller running," she said. "Would you like some help?" "Yes!" "Thank you," I replied. The hill looked exhausting, long and steep! Maria chatted a few minutes with Brendon and I told her a little about our racing together. I was careful to be aware of her race experience and asked if she was OK. I didn't want to take advantage of her generosity. She said she was OK and kept on pushing. I was grateful for the respite and the hill was falling away. With just a little more of the hill to go up,I took over and continued on with Brendon, both of us thanking her for her generosity.

I continued to struggle with my thoughts. Each breath was labored and each step an act of will to finish. Knowing I was partners with Brendon and he needed me to keep going so he could finish gave me the will to persevere. Another intuitive runner, with a yellow shirt, named Claire offered her assistance. With her hands on the stroller and mine at my sides we continued on in partnership, with Brendon finishing as our goal. This brief respite gave me just enough strength to continue. We thanked her for her help and I took over the stroller.

I felt a new sense of energy burst forward. My speed quickened as I faced the final 500 yards. Brendon always loves to go fast and he noticed the quickened pace. Without my two race helpers I am not sure I would have had this final speed. Brendon began his cheers toward the finish. The sprint toward the end is always his favorite part and I was grateful to have had the energy to make it a fast one.

I am grateful for this new found community of runners, the compassionate, thoughtful, attentive, selfless and generous ones, who put their own goals aside to help a running pair reach the same finish line. This sense of community running is not found in the solo experience. These two ladies affirmed my belief that the world is a safe place for my son and there are those who will accept his disability and lend a hand if needed. Thank you to Maria and Claire for being present to the needs of others. I challenge the rest of you runners to shake up the solo experience, become a member of the community of runners, run for someone else, offer a hand, shout out a word of encouragement. There is immense joy to be had in being a member of a community of runners with a shared goal to finish, no matter what they have to do to make that possible for all that enter.

The Struggle to Finish

There are times when I run that it is easy to remain in God's presence, the time floats by without effort. I have come to see these times as gifts. They don't come often and I treasure them. No matter what type of meditation and prayer you practice, whether it is silent meditation or running meditation like myself you will have those times when time is not an issue and the meditation is free and easy.

Yesterday my 16 mile run was not this way. I could feel time, I could feel my knees getting sore and my feet aching. It was a battle to finish. Thoughts kept creeping into my head. I have learned through the practice of spiritual running that you acknowledge the thoughts and let them go. I would focus on my feet hitting the ground, my surroundings, my breath. I would practice one of the scripture passages I have memorized as a mantra. This would bring me consciously into the presence of God once again. I had to do this over and over as my mind kept struggling to go to the challenges I am facing in my life right in the moment.


When I face a challenge I am aware that it is so difficult to turn it over to God and trust that he only has good things planned for my life. And it is even more difficult to believe that all is well in these moments. I have come to believe in running mediation that the run that is a struggle is the most beneficial on the spiritual journey. Because it is a struggle and this is the one we most often engage in on our life's journey, I am also aware this is the reason most people give up on the run, or any exercise. When the going gets tough we have a natural tendency to give up, say I quit, and return to our old habits and inefficiencies. These inefficiencies may not produce the outcome we desire and they do not lead to the spiritual path but they are comfortable and familiar, like an old running shoe.

An old running shoe must be discarded when it is no longer useful. The cushioning breaks down, it gets worn and begins to give us problems. Old patterns of thought, old ways, ineffective methods must be discarded to make room for the new, and the spiritual. Don't be afraid, keep running on the path, keep reflecting and acknowledging the old and letting it go. Know that for all of us on the spiritual path the difficult run, the one you are not sure you will make it through, is the one that is most effective, as it is what happens when we seek God's will in our lives. So keep running, keep persisting, keep grounded in the movement and come to enjoy the spiritual path.

"For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you, and never to harm you."

Blessings and keep on the spiritual running path.