Running Through the Snow

Running Through the Snow January 30, 2010


It’s cold out there and running in the cold is not one of my favorite things to do. In fact, my whole body braces against the chill. So I choose to head to the heated conditions of the treadmill at the YMCA. It was warm, and crowded, the steam almost rising from the concrete floor in direct contrast to the steamy cold swirling outside. Wanting to connect with the beauty of the whiteness of the falling snowflakes, I choose a treadmill close to the window.

I began my run in the usual contemplative fashion alternating between active prayer (the rosary, bible verses, and individual prayer intentions) and meditation (awareness of the breath, the physical sensations of my shoes hitting the rubber surface of the treadmill, my beating heart). Settling into rhythm and awareness of prayer and meditation, the snow floating outside the window kept it’s gentle call. I remained in awareness, and noticed rejection of the notion to simply head outside. “I didn’t dress for outdoor conditions,” my mind kept protesting, followed by the gentle response, “Yes, you have a sweatshirt and gloves. That will keep you warm,” my contemplative mind countered.

So I formulated a plan, fifty minutes in the warmth of the treadmill, 5 minutes outside. The excitement of doing something I don’t usually do propelled me out the door. The sharp contrast between my body dripping in the sweat of the treadmill run and the refreshing gasp of the chill air spurred me forward. I floated, almost effortlessly down the street, gliding with the wind. This was fun I remember thinking, exhilarating even. Then I had to turn a corner, heading uphill no less, into the wind. The contrast was not lost on me; warmth, exhilaration, energy with bracing chill, discomfort, escape.

How often life is like this run, I reflected. Sometimes life brings you warmth – a hug from a child, or loving words from a friend. Other times life brings you bracing chill – being let go from a job, a parent’s illness. Sometimes life brings you exhilaration – a successful completion of a project, or a new relationship. Other times life brings you discomfort – the flu, a messy house. Sometimes life events energize you – an acknowledgement of a job well done or discovery of a new talent. Other times the desire to escape overwhelms you – a drawn out divorce, or a long term disability. But in the midst of this run we call life, to be aware of all that it brings, the good, the less than good, I have noticed that showing up, being willing to take a risk and brace out into the chill always brings the presence of the divine. Like the run, the not so pleasant aspects – my uncovered ears, exposed legs, and chilled face – allowed me to recognize the more peaceful moments – the stillness of my surroundings, the freshness in the air, the gentle touch of the snowflakes. Awareness, willingness, and peace are the rewards for showing up, and taking the risk. There may be discomfort in awareness of the divine but the peace that comes is not to be missed.

Journey into the Prayer of Jabez: Day 1

Journey into the Prayer of Jabez: Day 1
January 27, 2010


I decided in my morning devotional to read the prayer of Jabez: “Oh that you would bless me indeed and enlarge my territory….” ~1Chronicles 4:10

Enlarge my territory, give me more to do - more people to influence. I suppose the losing of something causes one to reevaluate their influence. Life often presents opportunities for the shedding away of something: an unhealthy relationship, job, bad habits, and this shedding, though painful at the time, is God’s way of telling us that whatever we were doing was not enlarging our territory. Instead of being discouraged, feeling rejected, or unworthy, we must have been doing what God desired us to do all along.

In the midst of a loss, it is necessary to change ones thinking in this direction, “I must be doing what God intends. He has been directing my path all along. He knows what I need and it is my faith in His almighty power that will carry me through this difficult loss.”

Losing something, or someone important to us is painful. The separation that often follows causes many questions and fears. The thing or person probably brought some joy, some excitement, or some sense of purpose to our lives. If the loss was unexpected then the questioning often begins, accompanied by regret, rejection or shame. “Why did this happen? What did I do wrong?”

But maybe there is another perspective God asks us to consider. Not the one of hopeless failure and despair, but maybe, just maybe the answer to a prayer. “Expand my territory,” we prayed and God answered, closing one door, yet opening at least one more. To realize we have no clue as to what this means, or where we are headed, yet to follow with action is the true meaning of faith. To have no idea what the expanded territory will look like is both exciting and scary. Perhaps our territory is so large, we only get to spend a short time in some places. All the more reason to enjoy where we are, to take full advantage of the present moment. God knows we tend to hang on a little longer that what is good for us. Perhaps he is saying, “I have more for you to do, a wider, deeper, larger territory in mind for you to cover. So I need you to move on. I am showing you the emergency exits right now. Follow them to the territory you asked for. Trust me.”

These are the words of comfort, hope and strength God offers. In reply he only asks us to say, “Yes God, I will go where you would have me go, see who you would have me see, do what you would have me do.” Now you have followed the words of Jabez, “Oh that you would bless me indeed and enlarge me territory…”

Just Do It

Just Do It
January 22, 2010




“Just do it” has been useful to me in so many situations but especially when dealing with difficult life circumstances like illness, depression, job loss... The desire to stay in bed when facing a difficult emotion caused by some life circumstance is overwhelmingly strong. Thank God for Nike for coining this popular, simply stated mantra.

Recently I have found myself facing a difficult and very painful loss. The desire to run away, to hide, to pull the covers over my head has not been, interestingly enough, as strong as it has been in the past. That I attribute to my willingness to grow, to keep in close contact with God through faith and through exercising action.

I continue to practice courage, speaking out, and asking questions when they are needed and warranted in an effort to honor my voice. The world needs the difficult questions. The tricky part, the overwhelming confusing part of this life is how to play peacekeeper in the midst of so much pain and human suffering. How do you have the courage to raise the difficult questions often at the risk of rejection or even removal? Deep, passionate and strong feelings often rub up against others and can be perceived as contention instead of cooperation. Life can be difficult and often is. But the honoring of my own voice, the “Just do it” motto has been a useful tool in bringing the voice of peace to any hurt.

To Write Again - May We Be Peace

To Write Again 1-14-10
I have missed my blog. I have been thinking about it often. But as so often happens, my life has taken a different direction and in the busyness I have been struggling to find time to blog. I am also involved in a new project and have been trying to figure out how to merge my interests in a way that will create something hopeful to write about. My blog is in transition. I have noticed what has happened with my writing and my blog is that once we completed the marathons together, my creative writing started to run out of steam. I was also so involved in academic writing that the part of my brain that thinks freely was becoming encumbered with the internal editor.

But the way to combat any transition phase along with the accompanying uncertainty, angst, and fear is to just begin. So here I am making a new commitment to writing again, to write as interestingly and hopefully as possible about my experiences with life once again.


May We Be Peace
What a strange phrase. To be peace… My recent journeys have brought this phrase to my conscious mind. I have my entire Catholic life prayed for peace. In mass I say, “Peace be with you.” “And peace be with you,” is the reply from the community. It is delivered first as a blessing on the community from the priest, and then extended as an individual blessing when each person shakes the hand of their neighbor and wishes them peace.
I can easily recall prayers of peace offered to God in times of trial, illness, wars, depression, etc. The endless list of human suffering offers a perfect opportunity to extend the gift of peace. The accompanying worry, angst, distress, pain seem to call out for relief through a feeling of peace. “Peace be with you,” seems not only humane, but absolutely necessary.
Most of us are comfortable with the offer of peace. As a culture of action, to do something, to offer words for example makes perfect sense. But what is less familiar and seems to be more difficult is this notion to be peace. Wow… now that seems absolutely divine.
Recently I discovered the phrase, being peace, in a book of the same name by Thich Nhat Hahn, a Vietnamese Buddhist monk and human rights activist. He believes that if we are not peaceful, if we do not know how to be peace, then we cannot share peace with others. This caused me to question in my own mind our practice of offering each other peace in such an automatic, non present way. How many times have I offered peace without the sense of being peace?
In my quest to grow and expand my spiritual condition, I have stumbled upon the method of mindfulness meditation. This is a method of quieting the mind, focusing on the present moment, connecting to the breath and the sensations in the physical body in order to be present in this moment right now with full acceptance of what is.
Through this practice of present awareness, I am discovering the sensations of my body, the feeling of being peace. I am able to recall what this journey of life is all about, an AH HA moment to be sure: To be peace in all aspects of my life, here now with whatever, with whomever, and whenever.
Luckily, life gives us plenty of moments to practice being peace, in the argument with my husband over who should give our son a bath, in trying to get my teenager to get out of bed to go to school, when my computer will not cooperate and allow me to send emails. In these moment of real life, of real struggle, of real angst to “be” peace seems impossible, yet paradoxically through the desire alone seems doable.
So for today, I will practice this idea of being peace, not praying for peace, bringing peace, seeking peace, or even having peace but simply to be.

The Act of Human Suffering

October 23, 2009


“God, who creates and preserves all things, should make Jesus perfect through suffering.” ~Hebrews 2:10

In this verse the author of Hebrews tells us the natural order of suffering. Not even Jesus, God’s own son, was immune from it’s grips. In matters of the human experience we are all bound to experience levels of suffering.

Depression, mental illness, are labels inflicted on may to describe a human level of suffering and the darkness of the depths of depression. Hopelessness and unrest exemplify the human experience and embody the meaning of the word suffering. The only difference in diagnosis and the human experience it represents is the name humans, medical professionals, put on it.

To be so uncomfortable is a feeling human nature rails against. Of late, with my own mental illness, I have tried to embrace such darkness. I am learning, though often with barred knuckles, the humility and acceptance that is a part of who I have been created to be in order to be one with Jesus. I don’t like suffering and resist it’s grip. I don’t volunteer for the experience no matter how close it brings me to my creator. But I do know that in my own darkness Jesus allows me to be one with him. As a creation, perfect in it’s human flaws and the experience of darkness, Jesus comforts me.

When reading further in Hebrews the author speaks these words,

“And now He [Jesus] can help those who are tempted, because he himself was tempted and suffered.” ~ Hebrews 2:18

The temptation is to run away, but we can learn lessons from Jesus’ own experience. We may have been made to experience the darkness of suffering nestled deep within the human soul, but we are not made to do it alone.

Questions Lead Me to More Questions

October 15, 2009

This morning I am sitting in a hotel room in beautiful Syracuse, NY. The sun is shinning brightly, a sharp contrast to yesterday’s rainy, cool bleakness. I feel a sense of hope, surrounded by Syracuse University. I am excited to be among a community of learners, I am comfortable, a simple word that conveys a deep feeling within me.

This is where questions are asked without judgment and celebration occurs with the discovery of answers. I am at home surrounded by teachers and students. The atmosphere is one of acceptance, excitement even. I am impressed by the effort made by the staff in making me feel welcome by carving out precious time to meet with me. I feel important and even courted!

As I was reflecting on my daily meditation I am once again reminded of God’s promise in the book of Luke. “Ask and you will receive; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.” ~Luke 11:9. I have lately been asking, seeking and knocking. This is a period of transition for me, my children are growing toward greater independence, my marriage is changing, and my interests are expanding. I have so many questions.

The quest for answers has let me to further my education and I have been investigating higher education as an option for the next half of my professional life. Syracuse University is where God has let me today, just for today, to ask. In their search for answers students and teachers alike discover the answer to the challenging questions of social justice. In my search for answers, I have been expanding my understanding of disability across lifespan; How community attitude plays a role in acceptance, how to change policy and law to give persons with disability opportunity to succeed and be productive members of society, how fear plays a role in blocking an attitude of acceptance, where to best put my efforts in order to affect change, what are the strategies that work and those that don’t , when are individuals and community ready to make needed change.

In my search I have asked these questions: How do we create “Schools of Promise” where all students are included, belong and have equal opportunity to learn? Where are we with regard to inclusive practices in higher education? How can we make the system better? Should government be involved in reviewing medical decisions involving persons with disability? Where are we in education since the Brown vs. The Board of Education decision that guaranteed all students regardless of disability the right to public education? Why are people with disabilities still the largest group of unemployed citizens? How can we position health care in such a way it doesn’t discriminate against those that are forced to use it? Why do we still see disability as something that we cannot relate to and affects the “other” person? Will we ever put in place policies and practices that value the contribution of all persons regardless of their limitations? Are we really that much different?

I am not sure I will get the answers to all these questions and each time I ask one question I come up with five more I didn’t ask. When the asking, seeking, and knocking are done, then I know I have done all I could!

Call to Action - Part 1

“Be strong and courageous and do the work. Don’t be afraid or discouraged by the size of the task for the Lord God, my God is with you. He will not fail you or forsake you. He will see to it that all the work related to the temple of the Lord is finished correctly.”
~1Cronicles 28:20



These are words spoken by King David to his son Solomon as he was instructed to complete the task David started: to finish the Temple to house the Ark of the Covenant. God had instructed David to gather all the materials, each carefully selected and stored. But David was not to build the temple, that task would be left to his son. David recognized that Solomon would need words of encouragement if her were to complete this daunting task. Solomon would need to know that if he continued with the task god had instructed him to do; god would give him the strength and courage to follow it to completion.

How many times do we need this same encouragement? Many! Beginning something that seems big, with an uncertain outcome can be frightening. To be fearful is a normal reaction to an unfamiliar task. We ask ourselves, “How will I ever manage to complete this? Am I really supposed to do this?” Our typical response is to stop the progress, to run away, to quit, giving up. Wee justify our actions by claiming, “I wasn’t supposed to do that anyway. Someone else can do it better. I just don’t have the time.” We allow our fear to take over; we forget that if God is with us, if we are doing god’s work in our lives he will give us the strength to follow our plans to completion.

If tragedy, illness, or poor choices come into our lives God offers us hope. He recognizes being human is often difficult. Life can place some very challenging situations in our path: death, illness, disability, divorce. We will often make mistakes in the way we choose to handle these situations. We become absorbed by the self and we forget we are to do God’s work. If life is falling apart, God gives us a way out. We are responsible to rebuild our lives. God gives us all the tools to do that. He wants us to value ourselves and build a “Temple” in which he can dwell.

God also asks us to build temples in community. God didn’t leave David or Solomon to do the enormous task in front of them alone. He gave them thousands of followers to do the task. Each individual person was to play a vital role in bringing the task to completion. I am seeking to build a temple within my community. It has become my vocation to work toward the betterment of the lives of those with disability. For too long they and their families have lived in social isolation, being rejected in the communities of church, work and school. Those with disability and their families long to participate in activities with others, however physical and attitudinal barriers often keep them from doing so. As a parent of a child with a disability and inclusion specialist I have experienced these things in my own life as I struggle to participate. What is preventing your workplace, school, or church from designing fully inclusive environments that honor individual differences?

We can remember and use the instructions David gave his son Solomon as he was instructing him on how to build the temple. We can be assured that God will see to it that the work we set out to do in service to him will be finished correctly. We can be assured as we go out in service to God and work to build our lives, communities, churches and schools to be temples in which God resides that: “Every part of this plan… was given to me in writing from the hand of the Lord.” ~1Chronicles 28:19