Uncovering New Levels of Fear

2-20-09

“Whoever wishes to come after me must deny himself, take up his cross, and follow me.” ~Mark 8:34


Each morning I take time to meditate on God’s word and a reflection of another author. This morning I was reading about limitations, and the author suggested taking up the cross of my own limitations. Currently my limitation comes from a fear that has been showing up in the writing process. I haven’t written in a week because of the fear of not doing it right, not being good enough.

Lately I have had to look within myself to find out where this fear has come from. I have uncovered more baggage to leave at Jesus’ feet. More stuff I’ve been carrying around that has inhibited my creativity.

I’ve been carrying the burden of other peoples attitudes I fear not writing something useful or something that even makes sense. I fear the process of committing.

In my work as an advocate I often allow myself to be shut down by the attitudes of others. I fear my own inadequacies in carrying the message of inclusion. This causes me to question my talent, my message, my strength, even God’s work within me.

This fear leads to apathy, and downright laziness. I loose focus and my commitment fades. Life can be like that sometimes. I become so focused on my own shortcomings I forget the true power and strength that called me to begin. I allow my fear to overtake me and force me into inactivity.

When this happens, I must step back from the outside influences, look within and search for the causes of so much fear. This allows me to recommit to my writing, my advocacy, my role as a mother, friend and wife with a new sense of purpose. I am able to put the burdens of what other people think of me, my work, my teaching and draw on the internal source of power. This allows me to stay on the path with commitment to my writing, my advocacy, my intentions, my life.

“Take up the cross of my own limitation”
~Mary Marrocco
Living Faith

Running With Your Hair Down

Today I got outside for the first time in several months. We have been given a respite in Tennessee from the cold, frigid temperatures with a breezy, partly sunny, 50 degree day. Perfect! I headed out on the running trail circling the scenic track of Drakes Creek Park, enjoying the breathing in of fresh clean air (much welcomed after the past two months of stale, sweaty, indoor treadmill running).

I turned a corner heading into the breeze. I became obsessed with the awareness of my cap, loosely sitting on my head. I considered tightening the strap to secure it more firmly on my head. Doing so disrupts the rhythm of the run and the breath pattern. I hesitated. Finally after the nagging thought and loose cap continued to disrupt my peace of mind, I did remove my cap. Facing into the breeze a new freedom emerged as my hair flew behind me, away from my face. Freedom! The moment occurred simultaneously with the muscles pumping in effort against the wind, my breathing became more intentional and strained.

Once again being present to all aspects of the run allowed me to enjoy the strain of muscles along with the freedom of my hair flying in the breeze. Realize and be present to all aspects of your journey. Search for the moments of enjoyment that if allowed can occur simultaneously with the straining experience of daily living.

"I will run with perseverance the race that is set before me!"