This is not a good morning. Everything hurts, even the sun. I look outside and think, "I should feel happier, God is smiling on us." But instead the tears of loss keep flowing. Larry took the boys to his parents this weekend and all I can think about is what we would be doing if things were different: going to church, maybe having a picnic, last year we took Andrew and Brendon fishing. There were times in the past when we did this and it was good. I miss Ryan and it hurts even though he is detaching which is exactly what he should be doing. I am afraid seeing Andrew branching out, raging against life and not wanting to spend time with me. I miss Brendon and his sweatness and light. I am just so sad, I don't even make sense.
I call people but everyone is busy, they have lives to live, families to be with, obligations to fulfill. So after calling two people, no answer, sorted some bills and mail, answered some email, wrote in my journal, prayed. And now I am crying again. I called Pam, we talked for awhile, her simple and calming voice helped but the crying is not done. She continues to tell me that you talk about it until you can't talk about it anymore and you cry until you stop. That's just how it works. It is not my brain that is trying kill me but my emotions. Sometimes there is nothing to do, no action to take, it is a waiting for the wave to pass however long it takes. I wish that I could stop crying, but I feel such loss and so much fear. Maybe this is what lonliness feels like.
All is well. Life is just difficult sometimes. God is in the struggle, and in the surrender. I surrender to all the is divine within me. Now... I will get dressed and go for a run. The sun doesn't hurt my heart anymore.
Sunday, April 25, 2010
Saturday, April 10, 2010
In Memorial to My Grandmother
Today the LaCombe, Parker, Barnett family bury a beautiful lady and a courageous soul. She played many roles, wife, mother, daughter, friend, business woman… but I knew her as Grandma. As Grandma, and in all her roles, she was the star performer, the expert, and VIP. She carved out a place within my heart that will forever hold great sorrow in her passing but more importantly tremendous joy in a life experienced with happiness and lived to its fullest.
I have many fond memories of grandmother, but two come immediately to mind in their ability to capture the essence of the meaning of the passing of this great life– the ability to bring a family together over a meal, and late night gin games at the kitchen table. Both these activities demonstrate Grandma’s commitment to family and willingness to spend time with those she loved and cared for.
Any Parker can tell you that food is an important part of enjoying life. A woman need not have a large repertoire of food items she is adept in preparing, but she does need a few. Seafood gumbo and bar-b-q shrimp were the menu items of choice at any family reunion at the Downing Drive home. The ability to make good rue and peel a shrimp was essential. My Aunt Sally will retell stories of me as a toddler holding my hand out for peeled shrimp, which was tolerated up until the age of 3 and then one had to demonstrate competence and skill in this area or go very hungry. Butter and lots of black pepper were essential ingredients in any kitchen. A black skillet proved the perfect utensil for making dark rue and watchfulness and patience were important. Later a microwave was purchased, (always a lady keeping up with the times which assisted in the process. No meal was complete without loaves of freshly baked crusty French bread procured at the local market spread with butter and loaded with garlic salt. Usually my job was to prepare the garlic bread, keeping a watchful eye to prevent burning while Aunt Sally prepared anchovies for the salad, Aunt Kathy kept a quiet vigil on the bottom step with kid or two, Aunt Rachel perched on her high stool at the foot of the staircase, close to the head of the table. Pop Pop sat in his recliner in the den, usually with Dad, Dupree or Uncle Tony making loud noises at some football game on the TV. Sam was usually into something or other in the living room and his name could be heard above all other sounds as grandma busily went about her preparations. Sometimes guests like Aunt Sweety would drop in with the drawl of a southern lady and her long sleeve shirts. I am filled with the memory of buttery, garlic smells wafting around the heated kitchen, and loud boisterous sounds as each Parker/ Barnett added their voice to any discussion, correction or general cursing at the TV.
Once coolness returned to the house, order to the kitchen, and everyone retreated to their respected bedrooms or homes to sleep off the Cajun feast, grandmother and I would play gin into the wee hours of the morning. It was not unusual for us to express shock at the passing of hours of shuffling, dealing, and counting cards or to hear the familiar coo coo of the old coo coo clock welcoming in the 2:00 AM hour. (Whatever happened to that old coo coo clock)?
What I am most grateful for is the time these late nights gave us together. The house had stillness and quiet which was so out of character in the typical Parker home, which usually bustled with loud voices, droning TV’s, or fussing kids. We talked about everything and nothing at the same time. It was there I learned the story of how Aunt Sally and Uncle Tony came to become a part of the family. Why we had to go visit Aunt Elaxena, and the short lived life of Grandma’s sister Dot and her widowed husband Uncle Sam. I learned the importance of family to Grandma, especially to Pop Pop who had a very unusual childhood spending most of his childhood in a military academy. I heard stories of the 16 year old grandma having gone a brief time to LSU before being swept off her feet by the dashing Charles W. Parker. I took in stories of my Dad as a young golden boy, athlete and officer in the Navy. I heard about Uncle Dupree and his troublemaking youth (probably pretty mild by today’s standards) and how the Navy straightened him out. The importance of service to ones country resonated in each story about Dad, Uncle Dupree or Uncle Jimmy or Pop Pop. I discovered the Baton Rouge of Grandma’s youth in tales of mischief with her friends, or living with Great Grandmother LaCombe. We discussed current events and I reveled in her generational wisdom. We also shared a love of reading and would talk briefly about books but often her books of choice were of the harlequin romance variety so not much was discussed. Grandma was most definitely a southern lady first and foremost. We touched on professional roles of women, discussing her court reporting business and the interesting encounters she had in the professional world. Her best financial advice to me preceding my marriage was, “have separate bank accounts.” A woman should have her own money; she was quick to assure me that Pop Pop was in full support of this. We talked about Grandmas daughter in laws, my mom, Aunt Kathy and Angela. She assured me that my mom who would always remain a part of the Parker family, and her words of praise demonstrated great respect, admiration and love for my mom. She praised Aunt Kathy’s gentleness and Angela’s colorfulness and was filled with joy that they were in her son’s lives.
It was also through the telling of these tales, told with such dramatic flair that only Grandma could pull off that I also learned about Grandma’s fears and vulnerabilities. Being a burden to her family, or not having full control of her mind was one of her greatest fears. Having taken care of Great Grandma LaCombe in her later years really made an impression on her and she and Pop Pop took steps to make sure they were not burdensome to their children. Her actions impressed upon me the importance of keeping my mind active and engaged throughout my life and having many interests made for interesting conversation.
Our gin games continued long after the Downing Drive home was sold and Grandma moved into St. James place. I got to hear stories of new interests and watched her continue to invent her life, even acquiring a boyfriend into her 70’s. How tickled she was with that and very surprised.
Grandma taught me how to be a strong woman while maintaining her feminine compassion. She was never one for a lot of make up, we all knew of her devotion to Lubriderm and the sensitivity of her skin, but she was intensely feminine in her choice of dress and the manner in which she carried herself. She loved being treated like a lady, and had a special fondness for little boys and men of all ages. No matter what trouble I was having with my husband Larry or children Ryan, Andrew or Brendon, she would usually take their side. On a rare occasion I witnessed Grandma taking up for Ryan who had gotten into some mischief against Pop Pop. Pop Pop knew when to retreat. She treated Brendon no differently because of his disability and appreciated his gentle spirit. I am so grateful for last summer when Andrew went to Baton Rouge with me and will cherish the memories of his interactions with Grandma as he conversed with her, laughed at her stories and help to feed her and work on her hands. We all saw the sparkle only a little boy could bring to Grandma’s eyes.
Today marks the celebration of the passing of a beautiful, courageous, woman. Grandma will forever hold a place in the lives of all she touched. Abraham Lincoln once said, “Most people are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.” I believe Grandma decided a long time ago to be happy and she lived her life, through all its ups and downs in a way that demonstrated to all of us how to be happy, joyful, courageous, and content. I love you Grandma and I will miss you every day in this life and look forward to the day we will be together in the next.
Blessings and peace,
Michele
I have many fond memories of grandmother, but two come immediately to mind in their ability to capture the essence of the meaning of the passing of this great life– the ability to bring a family together over a meal, and late night gin games at the kitchen table. Both these activities demonstrate Grandma’s commitment to family and willingness to spend time with those she loved and cared for.
Any Parker can tell you that food is an important part of enjoying life. A woman need not have a large repertoire of food items she is adept in preparing, but she does need a few. Seafood gumbo and bar-b-q shrimp were the menu items of choice at any family reunion at the Downing Drive home. The ability to make good rue and peel a shrimp was essential. My Aunt Sally will retell stories of me as a toddler holding my hand out for peeled shrimp, which was tolerated up until the age of 3 and then one had to demonstrate competence and skill in this area or go very hungry. Butter and lots of black pepper were essential ingredients in any kitchen. A black skillet proved the perfect utensil for making dark rue and watchfulness and patience were important. Later a microwave was purchased, (always a lady keeping up with the times which assisted in the process. No meal was complete without loaves of freshly baked crusty French bread procured at the local market spread with butter and loaded with garlic salt. Usually my job was to prepare the garlic bread, keeping a watchful eye to prevent burning while Aunt Sally prepared anchovies for the salad, Aunt Kathy kept a quiet vigil on the bottom step with kid or two, Aunt Rachel perched on her high stool at the foot of the staircase, close to the head of the table. Pop Pop sat in his recliner in the den, usually with Dad, Dupree or Uncle Tony making loud noises at some football game on the TV. Sam was usually into something or other in the living room and his name could be heard above all other sounds as grandma busily went about her preparations. Sometimes guests like Aunt Sweety would drop in with the drawl of a southern lady and her long sleeve shirts. I am filled with the memory of buttery, garlic smells wafting around the heated kitchen, and loud boisterous sounds as each Parker/ Barnett added their voice to any discussion, correction or general cursing at the TV.
Once coolness returned to the house, order to the kitchen, and everyone retreated to their respected bedrooms or homes to sleep off the Cajun feast, grandmother and I would play gin into the wee hours of the morning. It was not unusual for us to express shock at the passing of hours of shuffling, dealing, and counting cards or to hear the familiar coo coo of the old coo coo clock welcoming in the 2:00 AM hour. (Whatever happened to that old coo coo clock)?
What I am most grateful for is the time these late nights gave us together. The house had stillness and quiet which was so out of character in the typical Parker home, which usually bustled with loud voices, droning TV’s, or fussing kids. We talked about everything and nothing at the same time. It was there I learned the story of how Aunt Sally and Uncle Tony came to become a part of the family. Why we had to go visit Aunt Elaxena, and the short lived life of Grandma’s sister Dot and her widowed husband Uncle Sam. I learned the importance of family to Grandma, especially to Pop Pop who had a very unusual childhood spending most of his childhood in a military academy. I heard stories of the 16 year old grandma having gone a brief time to LSU before being swept off her feet by the dashing Charles W. Parker. I took in stories of my Dad as a young golden boy, athlete and officer in the Navy. I heard about Uncle Dupree and his troublemaking youth (probably pretty mild by today’s standards) and how the Navy straightened him out. The importance of service to ones country resonated in each story about Dad, Uncle Dupree or Uncle Jimmy or Pop Pop. I discovered the Baton Rouge of Grandma’s youth in tales of mischief with her friends, or living with Great Grandmother LaCombe. We discussed current events and I reveled in her generational wisdom. We also shared a love of reading and would talk briefly about books but often her books of choice were of the harlequin romance variety so not much was discussed. Grandma was most definitely a southern lady first and foremost. We touched on professional roles of women, discussing her court reporting business and the interesting encounters she had in the professional world. Her best financial advice to me preceding my marriage was, “have separate bank accounts.” A woman should have her own money; she was quick to assure me that Pop Pop was in full support of this. We talked about Grandmas daughter in laws, my mom, Aunt Kathy and Angela. She assured me that my mom who would always remain a part of the Parker family, and her words of praise demonstrated great respect, admiration and love for my mom. She praised Aunt Kathy’s gentleness and Angela’s colorfulness and was filled with joy that they were in her son’s lives.
It was also through the telling of these tales, told with such dramatic flair that only Grandma could pull off that I also learned about Grandma’s fears and vulnerabilities. Being a burden to her family, or not having full control of her mind was one of her greatest fears. Having taken care of Great Grandma LaCombe in her later years really made an impression on her and she and Pop Pop took steps to make sure they were not burdensome to their children. Her actions impressed upon me the importance of keeping my mind active and engaged throughout my life and having many interests made for interesting conversation.
Our gin games continued long after the Downing Drive home was sold and Grandma moved into St. James place. I got to hear stories of new interests and watched her continue to invent her life, even acquiring a boyfriend into her 70’s. How tickled she was with that and very surprised.
Grandma taught me how to be a strong woman while maintaining her feminine compassion. She was never one for a lot of make up, we all knew of her devotion to Lubriderm and the sensitivity of her skin, but she was intensely feminine in her choice of dress and the manner in which she carried herself. She loved being treated like a lady, and had a special fondness for little boys and men of all ages. No matter what trouble I was having with my husband Larry or children Ryan, Andrew or Brendon, she would usually take their side. On a rare occasion I witnessed Grandma taking up for Ryan who had gotten into some mischief against Pop Pop. Pop Pop knew when to retreat. She treated Brendon no differently because of his disability and appreciated his gentle spirit. I am so grateful for last summer when Andrew went to Baton Rouge with me and will cherish the memories of his interactions with Grandma as he conversed with her, laughed at her stories and help to feed her and work on her hands. We all saw the sparkle only a little boy could bring to Grandma’s eyes.
Today marks the celebration of the passing of a beautiful, courageous, woman. Grandma will forever hold a place in the lives of all she touched. Abraham Lincoln once said, “Most people are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.” I believe Grandma decided a long time ago to be happy and she lived her life, through all its ups and downs in a way that demonstrated to all of us how to be happy, joyful, courageous, and content. I love you Grandma and I will miss you every day in this life and look forward to the day we will be together in the next.
Blessings and peace,
Michele
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