When the Sun Hurts Your Heart

This is not a good morning. Everything hurts, even the sun. I look outside and think, "I should feel happier, God is smiling on us." But instead the tears of loss keep flowing. Larry took the boys to his parents this weekend and all I can think about is what we would be doing if things were different: going to church, maybe having a picnic, last year we took Andrew and Brendon fishing. There were times in the past when we did this and it was good. I miss Ryan and it hurts even though he is detaching which is exactly what he should be doing. I am afraid seeing Andrew branching out, raging against life and not wanting to spend time with me. I miss Brendon and his sweatness and light. I am just so sad, I don't even make sense.

I call people but everyone is busy, they have lives to live, families to be with, obligations to fulfill. So after calling two people, no answer, sorted some bills and mail, answered some email, wrote in my journal, prayed. And now I am crying again. I called Pam, we talked for awhile, her simple and calming voice helped but the crying is not done. She continues to tell me that you talk about it until you can't talk about it anymore and you cry until you stop. That's just how it works. It is not my brain that is trying kill me but my emotions. Sometimes there is nothing to do, no action to take, it is a waiting for the wave to pass however long it takes. I wish that I could stop crying, but I feel such loss and so much fear. Maybe this is what lonliness feels like.

All is well. Life is just difficult sometimes. God is in the struggle, and in the surrender. I surrender to all the is divine within me. Now... I will get dressed and go for a run. The sun doesn't hurt my heart anymore.