Embracing the Darkness

Embracing the Darkness
August 2, 2009

I have turned a corner, moved out of the place I call “the darkness of the soul” – the place medical professionals call depression. Most of us at one time or another have experienced some type of depression whether situational (evoked by some painful or distressing life event” or medical (clinical in nature). The dark place is uncomfortable, frustrating and most of all frightening. But it can paradoxically be a place of rest. It is the place where God’s presence is most near, however one must be willing to experience depression in order to feel the healing touch of God. It is not something that one can run from. It must turn into something to be embraced.

The first time a friend suggested embracing depression, I was adamantly against experiencing God in this way. I thought she was crazy and truly did not understand the depth of darkness I experience during these times. After a period of prayerful consideration and a willingness to consider the possibility of embracing all that I am (light and darkness), I began to consider the implication of learning to do this. It would mean accepting a part of me that I really didn’t enjoy, welcome or like. Accepting myself, just as God does – completely and without condition, blame or perfection!

I began to consider with this depressive episode to learn to embrace the darkness. Experience has taught me that the dark corners of my soul would not last forever, and God would move me through it with a new found appreciation for the light when it showed up.

For three days I stayed home, slept a lot read mindless books and watched TV. I also prayed though I had no words. I cannot say I was comfortable, I was enjoying myself in the darkness but I can say I had a measure of peace that God truly was present.

I was able to consider some changes in my life, with relationships, with friends and family, with my professional career and all the obligations I had. Things continue to change as I enter into a different life transition. At this time - entering middle age, children growing, career changing - I enter into a period of discernment as to what God wants me to do. This has been emotional and difficult for me in many ways, the uncertainty and change. This is also a time of excitement and opportunity, even adventurous. My own emotions have been up and down. It is easy to be in a state of depression, but to stay focused on God’s plan, uncertain to me, but perfect in his world requires faith, energy and constant awareness of divine presence.

I cannot fully say that I have embraced my depression but I can say I have gone through another shedding – of fear, anxiety, restlessness. For today I am renewed in God’s love and am at peace. I enter once again to the light in renewed energy for the work God has planned for me.

Blessings and peace to all who face uncertainty, fear and depression.