When to Teach a Child Self Advocacy and Self Determination

When should I begin to teach my child to advocate for his needs? How can I instill in my child the principles of self determination? What role should I play in my child’s life as he grows toward the independence of adulthood? These are questions parents begin to ask about any child but are particularity critical questions for parents as their child with a disability begins to reach adulthood. I would like to encourage parents to begin to ask these questions now at whatever age their child is. I began to really consider the role my son would play in his own life as a person with a disability living independent from me when he turned 8 years old.

At that time I started my own business in which I work individually with parents on issues relating to school and employment. I began to speak at conferences and develop workshops on how to be more inclusive and practice the principles of wellness. As I was traveling and learning about various issues relating to disability (independent living, programs and services, health care, caregiver support, employment, etc.) I began to wonder… Why aren’t I including my son in what is to be his life as an adult? Am I preparing him for the complexity of living with a disability in the adult world? And as I started assessing my actions I began to realize that I needed to begin now to expose him to the people and programs that would most likely be a part of his adult life.

I have always been a proponent of the principles of self determination: Freedom, Authority, Support, Responsibility. How will our children learn these principles, critical in their enjoyment of independence in adult life if we as parents and loved ones do not take the lead role in promoting them? Children and their families cannot rely on the school or other public institutions to play the lead role in this vital rite of passage into adulthood for every child regardless of having a disability. As parents we know that having a disability presents some unique challenges for our children. Transportation, attitudes, discrimination, lack of information and opportunity and/or educational challenges are just a few of the things that parents have been handling for the most part for their children. Many of these challenges will continue to present themselves as our children reach the age of adulthood. My son has two older brothers and I have not had to spend as much time in preparation for their roles as young men in the community as I have had to prepare my child with a disability. So I decided I needed to start the preparation now.

The community is slowly coming to realize that persons with disability are going to be part of their everyday experience. Parents have played a key role in bringing about this realization. It was parents and those that cared for their children that have insisted in full community participation. We have demanded at times that our children have all the same opportunities their “typical” peers have had. We sent them to school, took them to church, dragged them to the grocery store, dropped them off at camp and daycare and took them to friends homes, often having to overcome some huge obstacles to get them there.

I came to realize that I would not be doing my child any favors if I did not teach him how to interact with what would become his world of independence. I understood the trepidation that many parents feel in exposing their child to social situations and interacting in community. We have had, like most parents I know, frustrating and often painful experiences being in public places. There is the lack of accessible parking or someone taking a spot that they have no right to have, there are the fearful looks from others when we show up to participate, there are the innocent and not so innocent questions about our child’s disability or the use of some type of equipment, there are the comments about not knowing what to do, or having the “expertise” to handle our children (as if they are ponies in a fair or elephants in a circus).

So I began to look for ways in which my child could practice the principles of self determination. Freedom, Authority, Support, and Responsibility.

Freedom: I began to take him to conferences relating to disability and insisted the school include these experiences in his individual education plan.

Authority: I sought out opportunities in my community to get to know legislators, and administrators being sure to bring his picture or introduce him if he was with me. This proved to be particularly helpful when a piece of legislation comes up in which my child is directly affected.

Support: When we had a problem in our community, we discussed it, decided if it was worth pursuing and if it was made a plan to address the problem. Recently my son had an issue with a playground surface that was not accessible to him. He drafted a letter in which we mailed to those that had the authority to change it.

Responsibility: My son knows in a general way the goals on his individual school plan and when he thinks something is not right he discusses it with me. If there is a problem or violation he is encouraged to bring it to the attention of his teachers.


It has not always been easy for me to let go of the reigns and allow him to discover the independence he will need. I have had to be open and willing to share my child with a community that may or may not accept him. I have had to let him discover some of the obstacles he will face as an adult and sometimes that is painful. I have had to put aside my own expectations and ask him what is important to him. And I have had to remind myself that this journey of being a person with a disability is his to lead, and I am but a special guest on his journey. I am encouraged by the things he is learning and certain of the action I am taking. I have no doubt that he will be OK, that he will have the tools to interact in his community and he will be just fine living as an adult without me. It is the foundation I am laying right now at a young age that will make this a reality for him.

So... When should I begin to teach my child to advocate for his needs? Right now. How can I instill in my child the principles of self determination? Through including him in activities in which he can practice the principles. What role should I play in my child’s life as he grows toward the independence of adulthood? The role of teacher, supporter and model.

It is a wonderful journey and one in which I am privileged to be a part of!