18 Miles of Difficulty

It has been two days since my 18 mile long run in preparation for the November San Antonio marathon. It's taken me two days to get over the painful experience of body, mind and spirit.

As with any long run, and even the shorter runs, I usually participate in a back and forth dialogue in my mind. I planned to begin at 6:00 am and end a little after 9:00am. I don't know if anyone else engages in self talk but I do it all the time. I'm told it is healthy. As usual when I'm facing such a long stretch of running, I have to do a lot of self talk. "Yes you need to do this." "No you can't wait or postpone because your schedule is too busy this week." You'll feel better when it's done." "You've done this before and you can do it again!" Usually my self talk begins in anticipation of the run, days before. My mind plays a kind of ping pong ball game, back and forth from talking myself into : "Yes, let's go, you can do it!" to talking myself out of: "Oh --- there's no way!" Occasionally I will engage and follow the negative, and I always regret it. Eventually, however, the "JUST DO IT" thought will prevail and overcome any obstacles my mind perceives

The weather was cool and the sky had a pink glow in the horizon. I savored it's sight as I knew it would quickly be gone as I changed directions and the day emerged. I committed to run the neighborhood for the first three or four miles. This proved to be a good thing. From the beginning my stomach started it's protests. I stopped three times at the house. The ping pong game started back in my head. I continue to wonder if taking on this distance, on this day was worth the discomfort of a protesting stomach. I returned to the thought: "You have no other time in your busy schedule this week to run!" and recognized a new thought: "Whose to say another day will be any different!"

The weather continued to be a blessing, I have learned to take any positive thought I can get. It was sunny, clear and with a coolness I look forward to on a fall day. I continued to put miles behind me as I took one step at a time. I wish I could say the run got easier, but it didn't. It was a constant effort to remain in the present. I continued to follow my prayer mantra. I practiced being mindful of the breath. I even tried the body awareness technique discussed in Roger Joslin's book. I began at my feet, recognizing their movement and feel. I got as far as my quadriceps when I lost interest, the effort to think about my body one part at a time proved to be too difficult. I abandoned the task.

I remembered that sometimes running is painful, uncomfortable, and the thoughts of giving up can consume each step. This is similar to the most recent events of my life off the road. I am working to create a vocation, a new career that will honor all of my experiences and bring awareness to others. I have recently had thoughts of giving up the pursuit, wondering if what I was doing was worth it. I have recently had thoughts of giving up the pursuit, wondering if what i was doing was worth it, similar to the thought while embarking on this run. I have had to talk myself out of the negative and fear filled spaces that my mind wants to occupy. Perseverance, and continuing on despite discomfort became the lesson of the run.

I never got to enjoy this running experience, it was too uncomfortable. I never settled into a peaceful rhythm. I continued the practice of mindful breathing, which got me through and I focused on staying in the present, choosing to look at the road directly in front of me and the strike of my foot on the pavement. I knew based on past experience eventually the run would end and I would be able to rest.

What started out to be a three hour run actually took almost four hours. As in life when I am having doubts, I had to rest more, take more breaks, refocus my mind and prepare my body. Each time I stopped I refocused my thoughts and mustered up additional strength to continue on the path. Eventually the run did end, I took pride in the fact I allowed my healthy mind, the one that tells me to continue on despite fear, discomfort and even pain to dominate and propel me toward the end. I ended my run with a steep uphill climb, a symbol of one final trial, exactly what I needed to bring this experience to completion. I ended much as I began in discomfort and duress. BUT, it was exactly what I needed and when I was done I had one more successful experience of persevering toward the end despite the discomfort, pain and fear.